A GUIDE TO CONFLICT REPAIR IN RELATIONSHIPS
I’ve been thinking about conflict and repair a lot recently – about the way things said, or left unsaid, can remain unresolved and quietly turn into distance. You feel the relationship change… or abruptly stop… because one or both parties don’t know how, or don’t bother, to repair and reconcile. It happens in all relationships, personal as well as professional ones. In my own life this is something that has happened recently, and it’s made me think about how often it could have been avoided.
Christmas is a time of love and families coming together, but it’s also a perfect storm for conflict. It’s a season of busyness and stress, financial pressure, planning, travel, commitments, and expectations. Even good relationships get tested when nervous systems are overloaded. But conflict itself isn’t the issue – the lack of repair is. With that in mind, here are some of my thoughts on conflict resolution and relationship repair.
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE – AND A FAMILIAR SITUATION PERHAPS?
In my life, the last few months have seen a few friendships quietly breaking apart. Some came from judgement and things left unsaid, rather than compassion and curiosity in a situation not fully understood. Another came from an outspoken conflict where I was messy in how I handled things - followed by an apology offered, but with no one open to receiving it.
It’s painful. I think any process of losing a relationship is. And at the same time, I can’t help but think how different both situations might have been if there had been an approach of curiosity, a willingness to listen, and a shared investment in repairing the relationship - on both sides. It also made me think about how differently we might all act if we had more awareness and better tools for relationship repair. Because often, when we’re hurt, the only settings we seem to have are disassociation, anger, or resentment.
“Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.”
What tends to happen is simple: someone gets hurt, or there’s a disagreement, and without seeing the full picture, we fill in the blanks with judgement. You might recognise this from your own life - a partner or colleague says or does something that leaves you feeling disregarded. It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that they don’t care, which hurts, turns into anger, and can quickly become a story that they’re selfish. Instead of pausing and getting curious about how the other person experienced the situation, or why they’re choosing to do what they do, we get offended. Defensive. Angry. Insulted. And from that place, we become more focused on being right than being curious and compassionate about the other. We lose any solution - or connection - orientation. And the result is a ruptured relationship where we either stop speaking, or we “move forward” while carrying a grudge underneath.
It makes sense, though. When were you ever taught how to reconcile after conflict? Who ever told you how to apologise if you made a mistake - or wholeheartedly accept an apology and move forward without resentment? Chances are, no one. These are things we’re expected to pick up along the way, yet they’re rarely modelled and definitely not part of school curriculums.
WHY ACCOUNTABILITY, INVESTMENT AND REPAIR IS WORTH IT
Fact is conflict is inevitable in any relationship that matters. Differences, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, unmet needs - they’re part of being close to other people - whether personally or professionally. The problem then isn’t that conflict happens. It’s how we navigate it. And repair during conflict isn’t about being perfect, calm, or saying the “right” thing in the moment - it’s a skill set.
When conflict is met with accountability, curiosity, and a genuine willingness to repair, it doesn’t just resolve the issue at hand - it increases safety, support, and trust in a relationship. Repair shows the other person that you care enough to stay with discomfort, honesty, and responsibility - and that it’s safe to come back together after rupture. In this way, conflict and repair can actually strengthen a relationship.
With that in mind, here’s a simple guide for approaching conflict and repair - not to avoid it, but to give relationships a real chance to mend, strengthen, and genuinely move forward.
A GUIDE TO REPAIR – STARTING WITH YOURSELF TO TAKE BACK YOUR POWER
1. CATCH YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CONTINUE
The first step is noticing where you are. Are you in blame mode? Explanation mode? Trying to prove your point, defend yourself, or make the other person wrong? If so, pause. Repair can’t happen from there. Neither can having your needs met.
2. TAKE A BREAK AND DO YOUR OWN PROCESS
This isn’t avoidance - it’s responsibility. Stepping away allows your nervous system to settle, but it’s not just about calming down. It’s about shifting out of outrage, defensiveness, and the sense of injustice that can take over when we feel hurt.
3. PROCESS FOR CLARITY, NOT VALIDATION
Processing means helping yourself see more clearly. That might look like journalling to sort your thoughts, or speaking to a friend who is objective - not someone who simply agrees with you while you spiral, but someone who helps you widen the lens. The goal isn’t to minimise what happened, but to understand it more truthfully.
4. VALIDATE YOURSELF WITHOUT GASLIGHTING YOURSELF
There’s a difference between self-validation and self-righteousness. Acknowledge how it landed for you. Let yourself feel hurt, disappointed, or upset - without doubting yourself or explaining it away. From here, you can arrive in a grounded place where you know what you feel, what you need, and what boundary or invitation might be appropriate.
5. CHACK WETHER THIS IS ABOUT NOW – OR THE PAST
An important part of self-responsibility is asking whether your reaction is coming from this moment, or from history leaking in. Are you responding to what just happened - or are old patterns, past wounds, or previous experiences being piled on? Taking accountability here doesn’t invalidate your feelings, but it stops the situation from becoming bigger than it is.
6. REMEMBER WHY THIS RELATIONSHIP MATTERS
This is often the moment where we dissociate, stay angry, or remain insulted. If that’s happening, gently remind yourself who this person is to you. Why the relationship matters. The brain is wired for confirmation bias - it looks for evidence that supports the story it’s already telling. When we’re hurt, that story can narrow quickly, reducing the other person to “the bad one”. This step helps you remember the fuller picture - their humanity, the complexity of the situation, and the value of the relationship.
7. LET CLARITY INFORM BOUNDARIES, NOT ANGER
Seeing the whole picture doesn’t mean tolerating behaviour that continues to harm you. If someone repeatedly avoids repair or keeps crossing the same line, a new boundary may be needed. Boundaries set from clarity and calm are very different from boundaries set from anger or desperation.
8. RETURN WITH CURIOSITY
When you’re ready to re-engage, curiosity is often the safest place to start and also a place that can help you see with compassion. Ask about the other person’s experience and really listen to their side. Where were they coming from? Two people can share the same situation and have very different experiences - and both can be valid at the same time.
9. REPAIR FORWARD, NOT BACKWARD
Repair isn’t just about what happened - it’s about what happens next. Finding common ground, taking responsibility where needed, and agreeing on how to move forward differently so the same situation doesn’t repeat itself.
One important thing to remember always is that one of the most escalating experiences in any conflict is feeling like you don’t matter. Being ignored, dismissed, or treated as if you don’t exist - or as if your experience carries no weight - is deeply painful. When people feel unseen or insignificant, most will retaliate in some way. They may withdraw, become defensive, act out, or create conflict where there wasn’t much before. Repair, at its core, is often about restoring a sense of mattering - showing the other person that their experience counts, even when you don’t agree.
Finally, Simon Sinek has this great quick video that captures this well - showing how arguments de-escalate when we stop listing what we did right and the other did wrong, and instead name what we got wrong and what the other got right.
Repair is a skill set that takes effort and commitment. And at Christmas especially, that skill can be the difference between relationships that feel heavy - and relationships that feel safe, connected, and clean.
Wishing you a lovely and peaceful Christmas.
